Life’s A Roller Coaster

Jul 20, 2017

Life’s a roller coaster, with highs and lows. Fun times and scary times. Laughter, crying and sometimes… a little vomit. And no matter how prepared you are for that gut wrenching drop, your stomach will still end up in your throat with tears streaming down your cheeks from the fast cold air tickling your eyes.

So in this crazy roller coaster we call ‘life’, how do we prepare ourselves for the down times? Or how does one get out of the valley once we’re in there?

It’s something I’ve been pondering and going through personally for a while. The subject that this specific up-and-down time of my life technically started almost 5 years ago when I decided to come off the birth control pill. I made the decision with my husband, and several things came into the decision. I felt like my body was having some side effects (which looking back, I don’t think those symptoms were caused from the pill) and we were OK if we fell pregnant even if we weren’t going to be deliberately trying. Throughout the next 4 years we went through times of hoping to fall pregnant, and times of thinking the timing would be terrible! But we were never really ‘trying’… just not preventing.

It all became a little more serious last September, when Adam came home from a boys trip from Singapore with mosquito bites. Just a few weeks prior to their trip, cases of the Zika virus were found in Singapore. The thought of having to wait 8 weeks minimum to try and conceive, right after we’d just decided, “yep, lets do this”, was really frustrating. So Adam decided to go to his GP and get tested. While talking with his GP he was asked how long we’d been trying. Adam shared that though we hadn’t tried to prevent pregnancy over the past 4 years, we weren’t ‘trying‘ to get pregnant either. His GP was a little concerned that in 4 years we hadn’t fallen, and he suggested it would be a good idea to get tested while we’re both still young.

*Warning – some of this might be TMI for some*

A few years ago, I was diagnosed with primary Dysmenorrhea. Which pretty much means I suffer from extreme period pain most months. ‘Secondary Dysmenorrhea’ is caused by endometriosis, whereas ‘primary’ has no cause. I just suffer each month. Not just with extreme pain when I get my period each month, but having a lot of pain when I ovulate too. So during that 24 hour window, I’m not always feeling so great, and if I’m in pain, then I’m not really in the mood for baby making. Our doctor said, this could be one reason why we hadn’t fallen if we’ve been missing our 24 hour ovulation window.

So we did all the testing and everything actually came back, not just normal, but above average for both of us. So then what is wrong? There is one more test I can do, to see if my Fallopian tubes are blocked, but that’s a $450 test. So we decided to wait a few months, ‘really’ try this time, and then if nothing happens we’d do that test.

Slowly, every month, it would feel like my roller coaster had more downs than ups. And not falling pregnant was at the front of my mind all the time. And then in April, we were invited to a friends place, and as I was getting ready that morning I felt God whisper to me, “prepare your heart, they’re pregnant.” I kind of brushed it off, as I knew they hadn’t been trying for long. And low and behold, I heard God clearly that morning. They were pregnant. What a weird roller coaster that day was. Feeling happy and excited for something that is so incredible for them, but felt so life crushing for me. I had to excuse myself to “go to the toilet” twice, when in fact I just had to let some of the tears out so I wouldn’t cry in front of them. Once we got home that night, a sea of tears flowed out as Adam held me. We prayed and worshiped, but it was my breaking point. Then the following day came the anger. How dare this sadness take away from the happiness and excitement I have for our friends! Essentially I felt robbed. And since that week, whenever my mind isn’t focused on a task, it just wonders off to baby land.

So that week really pushed me. And it pushed me to cry out. Where are you in this, God, and why hasn’t this happened for us? So I decided to fast for 3 weeks. For the first time in my life, fasting with a purpose of needing real personal breakthrough. And it’s been hard, but it’s brought me closer to God, closer to my husband, and through the anxiety, some peace that it’s in His timing and His hands.

So my roller coaster is still going at full speed, and I predict more downs on the tracks ahead, but I’m believing in more ups, and more fun twisty loops to go through.

Whatever your roller coaster is, no matter how bad it feels in the moment, have peace in knowing their is someone who always has your back. Take courage, and hold onto your hope, as you never know when your victory will come. So although I don’t have this victory yet, I felt God wanting me to share this part of my journey now, even before I have my conclusion… that there was something important in sharing this during the journey and not after it when I finally have my baby in my arms.

So if you’re going through something similar, I’m with you in this hard journey. Or if you have been through this, whatever your outcome, I’d love to hear your story. There is power in our stories, no matter where we are in the journey.

Let’s journey this together, and as always #BYOB