On Tuesday night, I heard God’s voice for the first time in what feels like forever. He softly said, “You feel left out.” This journey isn’t easy, and like I wrote in my post Life’s A Roller Coaster, it has its ups downs. But for the longest time, all I’ve been able to say is, “I feel sad.” But when God spoke these words to me, I started to cry with relief. Relief that I finally had an understanding of my sadness.
You know how people say, “lucky last”, right before they pick the last kid to be on the sporting team. It’s like they’re only saying it because they feel bad that nobody else wanted them on their side because they aren’t the strongest player. That’s the image God gave me to go along with those words, “You feel left out.” Everywhere I look people are getting pregnant, and having babies, and a lot of people have been sharing how they struggled to fall pregnant and then one day, they fell. And don’t get me wrong, I am so over joyed for all my friends going through this incredible time, but when is it my turn? When do I get to be lucky last? Pick me, God, pick me!
As I touched on just then, I haven’t been able to hear God in a while. Probably because I’m so emotional and don’t stop thinking, “woe is me”, long enough for God to get a word in. I’ve had a friend tell me a few different times that God sees me waiting, and that I’m waiting well. And to be honest, I don’t really feel I’ve been waiting all that well. But as I was driving to work on Wednesday morning, God spoke to me again (does God always talk to you in the shower and the car too?). He said, “You are waiting well. Your diligence to connect to me, and trying to believe My promises when your heart feels ‘left out’ is good. Keep persisting. I’m putting testimonies everywhere for your heart to know your time will come.”
Ummm, wow! Having people speak into your life and speak prophetically over your life is amazing. But when God speaks directly to you, it’s like cupid shooting an arrow into your heart. This journey is so overwhelmed by my emotions, I’ve been (unintentionally) blocking out God’s voice, and had blinders on to what He was trying to show me. The freedom from understanding how I feel has led me to be able to stop and hear Him and to see what He is trying to show me. Do I expect that from here on out that it will be easy? No. And it’s healthy to feel the emotions you’re going through too. But my heart can finally hear what God has for me, whatever point in the journey I’m currently on.
I’ve been praying to come to a place of peace like this for about 2 months now. I partially got there about 6 weeks ago, but this last leg is now over.
Why did I want to share this? God told me (and it was kind of a “duh” moment), the enemy will tell you anything to push you off your course. On Tuesday night, before God spoke to me in the shower, the enemy whispered into my ear, “You’re barren.” It took me by such surprise, and I almost blurted it out in front of a group of people, and it took everything in me not to say it out loud. The reason I didn’t say it was because these people in the room, they are some of my closest friends. And they are all praying for us, fasting for us and just being there for us. And I knew if I said that, A) it would crush them to know I would speak that over myself, and B) they would immediately start praying for me, and I didn’t want that. Well I thought I didn’t want that, what I’ve now realised is the enemy didn’t want them to break that off over me because he wants to control me. God is good all the time, and the enemy isn’t. God gave us our emotions to express how we feel, the enemy uses our emotions to control us, to control our situations and to try to steer us off the course God has us on. So if you’re reading this, and emotionally you’re going through a really really hard time, don’t let your emotions control you. Use your emotions to express what is going on, and fight for your happiness. I like how it’s conveyed in the children’s movie, Inside Out… without Sadness, you would never understand how good Joy is.
I know there will probably be sad days ahead, and even though I have this peace, I still feel like the kid sitting on the sidelines watching everyone else play and have fun. I know I have a good God who has promised me so many great things. And when I have a hard day, I’ll still worship Him, and I’ll cling to those promises.